Bachelor Recap: Viewers, prepare for landing

Photo: @thebachelorau on Instagram

That’s right folks, we’ve reached the final week of this Bachie season, and I’m not sure whether I should sigh a breath of relief or be sad that this little bit of escapism is off our screens for the time being.

Do or die ladies

We’re nearing the end, where Holly, Jay, and Brooke won’t get to spend much time with Jimmy before he makes the big decision. Crunch time. Time to get out of the kitchen if you can’t handle the heat (do people still say that?).

Angelic Holly is up first. She rocked up on a massive boat, telling us she’s “in the driver’s seat today”. Buckle up, Jimmy! (in a non-kinky way please.)

They had a chat about what kind of family they want to make in the future. Holly said she didn’t have the greatest experience with her dad being away a lot and not being present even when he was at home.

Jimmy said he plans on being there for his family even if he is away a lot doing his pilot thing.

I’m not really sold. Can’t really hide from the fact he’s not going to be in one place for long.

After splashin’ about in the water and having some smooches, Holly told Jimmy she’s “feeling the pressure”, and was reluctant to open up.

I mean it makes sense, she hardly knows the bloke.

Regardless, she told Jimmy she’s falling in love with him.

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac plays in the background…

...of my mind as Jay and Jimmy jogged onto our screens in their activewear.

There’s been a bit of controversy over old mate Jay in previous episodes. She’s been called out for apparently wanting the clout of second place and ‘seemingly’ wanting to date someone in the public eye.

They tried to kayak their troubles away under the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and afterward looked all lovey-dovey as they sat and watched a classical music performance, but drama waits for NO-ONE.

Jay admitted she dated The Bachelor of New Zealand after her friend ratted her out at hometowns.

Jimmy was a little dubious...

Things weren’t looking good.

Brooke’s already on the baby train

For the occupational therapist’s single date, they headed to the Guide Dogs’ headquarters to train up a FRIGGIN CUTE little puppy.

Brooke said she wanted to have a kid with Jimmy after seeing him train the pup.

I, ah, hate to break it to you Brookie but they’re not quite the same thing.

Afterward, while they’re sipping champaz next to a pool, Jimmy asked Brooke whether she had reservations about their relationship and him being away for long periods of time.

She got a bit emotional and said she would struggle.

They all of a sudden went ‘stuff logistics’, and started making out in the pool. You do you, boos.

BRUTALITY

We let go of our gal Jay at the rose ceremony. Jimmy’s doubts must have got the best of him. Remember to date whoever you BLOODY WELL LIKE, Jay.

GRAND FINAL WE ARE HERE.

Row 1, Seat A: Safe, fan-favourite Holly.

Row 1, Seat F: Quirky, Jimmy-proclaimed “frontrunner” Brooke.

We are ending the season in the Northern Territory (i.e. the heart of Australia and the only COVID-free state at the time of filming - but don’t quote me on that!).

Straight up we met with Jimmy’s fambam and he admitted to being conflicted between passionate and quirky Brooke who he felt instant chemistry with, and effortless Holly who is “the typical girl he always dates”. OUCH.

Brooke deflowers Jimmy (her words, most definitely NOT mine)

Convinced she was on her first holiday with Jimmy (which coincidentally included his side chick), Brooke was so excited to meet the family, and well…you could tell. Not sure if I got the memo wrong, but should we all be meeting our partner’s family looking like the Luna Park entrance with our mouths wide open and arms outstretched?

Judging by Jimmy’s mother’s face, we are going with a HARD NO.

Straight up Brooke mentioned getting the first kiss (i.e. the deflowering), their spa date, and getting their sexy on. At this point, I was just screaming for her to stop, and mother Susan must have heard because she jumped in to take Brooke aside.

But all I could truly hear when Brooke talked was the alarm bells ringing in mother bear's ears.

After Brooke and Jimmy left, all Susan could say was, “uhhhh… she is clingy and intense”, before finishing with, “if he picks her, it will be challenging for me”. EEK!

I can just picture the wedding day now. “If anyone objects to the marri-” Oops, she is ALREADY standing.

Third time’s a charm

Determined not to let the concerns of Jimmy’s mother, cousin, and sister get in her way, Holly was ready to take control of the cockpit.

As the token ‘I haven’t met Holly yet’ family member, Jimmy’s father Noel is up. And it was all splendidly soaring UNTIL post-interrogation Noel admitted he didn’t think Holly was the right girl for Jimmy (if I had a mic, I would drop it!).

Smooth flight to somewhere you have already been VERSUS turbulent flight to dream location? Discuss.

In short, Jimmy’s dad was team Brooke and Jimmy’s mum was team Holly. All in all, Holly was safe and similar to Jimmy’s exes (i.e. ex-partner material) and Brooke was a risky, possibly amazing surprise.

Why do boys love the damn chase?

On a scale of 1 to 100, Brooke was a solid 200 in the excitement realm. The thought of Jimmy not only makes her “heart flutter” but also “makes [her] ovaries tingle”.

Following her tingling ovaries, she confessed she was ready to marry him RIGHT THEN on the hot air balloon. And gosh, if she didn’t win, I was hoping someone was on support standby.

Jimmy admitted Brooke was a constant chase and he loves a chase.

All I am going to say is…boys amirite?! (Insert: facepalm).

Holly’s date with Jimmy (and his two wingmen - Mum and Dad)

Holly finally got a flying date with the PILOT.

Following the flight, they walked up a beautifully romantic red dirt track (don't be fooled, it’s The Bachelor, so yes, the dirt can be magical).

I was halfway into thinking about their white shoes getting dirty when good ol’ Susan and Noel decide to “coincidentally” gatecrash. Not wanting to walk away from his favourite child, loveable Noel went full dad-mode and said, “did you talk about the memories of us flying over there?” Bless, classic Dad move.

Bachie edits giving us trust issues

Both looking bangin’ as ever, the girls travelled in separate cars to Jimmy.

I half-scolded myself for agreeing to watch someone’s heart be trampled. But the suspense pulled me back.

Holly was petrified. Brooke was ecstatic.

The first car pulled up, and it’s the moment we have all been wishing would hurry up so we can get on with our lives.

And you could see a glimpse of yellow material (WAIT, wasn’t Holly wearing this?) and out hopped Holly, and I’m shook and so is the majority of whoever is still watching this season.

Then we saw another car and Brooke hopped out. But then we saw Holly again. Then Brooke again.

‘HA GOTCHA’, the producers were heard yelling as they elbow-tapped each other over having successfully pulled another Abbie and Chelsea switcheroo (from the season we shan’t mention due to the quick break-up).

Walking towards Jimmy and smiling like it’s an Invisalign ad, Brooke had no idea she was about to be heartbroken. And honestly, I didn’t know if I could watch. But I got over that pretty quickly and continued on.

Then it happened, and Brooke was distraught.

“Why did you do it here? In Alice Springs?” she squeaked. And I wasn’t sure where else he was meant to do it, but we will let it slide because Jimmy had officially broken Brooke.

After the longest break-up ever, Brooke rushed to her getaway car.

Fairytales exist (fingers-crossed)

After kissing Holly on the lips (a good sign), Jimmy took a long deep breath (bad sign), only to then reassure us he was not doing a Honey Badger and dropped the big L word (good sign).

Thankfully, Brooke did not come rushing back in as I half-expected and Holly and Jimmy were able to seal the deal with a kiss.

I can see them now, flying off into the sunset toward their happily ever after, as co-pilot and pilot for life. The End.