Hinge, Tinder, or Bumble: a whole bar at your disposal. To create a cocktail full of read messages and self-consciousness, which eventually makes you question whether or not you’re actually lovable.
I probably won’t be the first to say this and definitely not the last, but I dislike the idea of a dating app.
It’s all very superficial to me. I say this as someone who has been on two dates produced by the one and only, dating apps!
Let me walk you through the absolute carnage it takes to even get a single date from a “dating app”.
First off, you need to match.
You are consistently swiping left.
No. Ew. Not for me. Why that answer? No. Which one is he? Not my type. Uhhh, no. Where’s his face? Too many shirtless pics. No. Smoker? No. Why does he think drinking is cool? No.
Until eventually you come across a decent person, whose answers make you smile. The first signs of attraction. You decide to swipe right.
Then it's a waiting game. They have to like you back. Based on pictures you so masterfully selected from your camera roll and the answers you spent way too long conjuring up.
They, too, have to swipe right.
You go back to your swiping game, left. left. left. Right. Left. Then Christmas comes.
A match!
You initiate first contact. (It’s been long enough on these apps to know that if you don’t initiate, nothing will start)
“Heyy!”
The extra “y” adds that subtle touch of flirtiness.
“Whats up?”
What's up. What's up?!?
I don't know?! The sky? The conversation is dry. A lot of “my day was good! How about yours?”
“Yeah it was good.”
This is my first real complaint. People in real life DON’T talk like this. If you see a person, in my case, a guy, A cute guy, And you chat, they more than likely will ask you real questions and both of you keep the conversation flowing. However, sometimes in my case, I end up an awkward mess.
Still, you wouldn’t walk up to someone and be dry. It makes the situation too awkward. Eventually, you’ll go into conversations about your opinions on new tv shows, questions about what you would do if there was an apocalypse or what your home life is like.
You continue swiping. Eh ok. Sure. He’s fine.
Another match!
This time, he’s asking questions. You talk about each other's music tastes, your hobbies or what work is like.
Ok, now we are getting somewhere!
I can see myself going out with this guy. Eventually, we exchanged instagrams. (yet another messaging platform).
This time, there’s voice messages, deeper conversations. What we want in our lives, what we’re passionate about.
This process can go on for days, weeks or even months. It depends on the person you ask.
In this case, this talking online lasted for about a week or so, Of constant messaging. Eventually, he pops the question.
“When can I see you?”
Now, this question frightens the hell out of me. What do you mean this man I matched with online a week ago wants to see me? This is what I’ve grown up being warned against. Talking to strangers online, and meeting strangers in person.
However, in the new year, I made a promise to myself. Go on a date.
So I agree, we find a time and place. He asked me where I’d like to go. An art exhibition so we can look at things and have stuff to talk about. He pays for the tickets despite me insisting I pay for my own.
Great. No backing out now. He paid 20 dollars for these tickets, which these days is a lot.
The day comes and I’m anxious. What if he doesn’t show up? What if he’s oddly sexual? What if he asks me questions I don’t like? Oh god. What if he’s not funny?
We keep exchanging messages.
“Almost there!”
“Ok, I’m here! Let me know when you’re around”
It’s a hot day, and arguably my style is worse. I just can't seem to make summer outfits work for me. Not to mention if we were to hold hands, it would be warm and uncomfortable.
I see him. Luckily just like his photos. Unluckily for a roughly 5’9 girl, shorter than he said. But nonetheless just taller than me.
The date goes well. He’s cracking unfunny jokes, I laugh awkwardly. We talk about art. Our hands graze as we walk along.
It hits me. I’m on my first date. This guy actually likes me.
We are watching this visual piece and it doesn't seem to end. I keep asking can we go? He holds my hand. Great. Now I’m trapped. It’s sweaty and uncomfortable. Just as I predicted.
We hold hands on the way out and to the train station. I break the hold to message my friend that I’m ending the date earlier than expected. We make it to the station, hug and then he pulls something.
Now, I wasn’t sure whether this was a kiss on the cheek or lips. But it ends up being in the middle.
He walks away.
I’m stunned.
What. The. Fuck. Just happened.
Now you’re probably reading this and going this guy sounds nice it was just that awkward ending. The thing is, to me it felt rushed.
We went into this date, basically talking like friends online, to hand-holding and then an awkward kiss on the lip-cheek thing. That is another reason I don’t like dating apps.
You go on dates with this preconceived idea that you have to go straight in romantically. Maybe it’s just me. But talking to someone online can only go so far. I want to see you in person, have a chat, and then make up my mind whether or not I'm physically attracted to you.
It’s incredibly surface-level. I prefer a real connection. A human one. One where you get to know a person, perhaps feeling attracted to them. But you can see how they interact with others, how they get excited over topics. How they look at you, how they get nervous around you or laugh at your jokes. Not a “haha”. But a real, genuine laugh.
Then slowly falling in love with those characteristics, liking them, admiring them.
That you can’t recreate with the apps.
Another thing. The apps have become a haven for hookups. Leaving this weird soup of people looking for the real deal, and others looking for a casual hookup.
There’s now options on the apps.
What are you looking for?
Long-term. Short-term open to long-term. Short-term. Casual.
Dating apps were originally created for long-term, romantic relationships. And sure there are success stories. But now, it’s getting increasingly difficult and unheard of.
What happened to setting friends up with each other? Inviting friends from different spaces in your lives to mingle? Or asking for someone's number, not snap.
Perhaps that’s the hopeless romantic in me. Growing up watching Friends or Seinfeld, and them going on dates with people through other people or people they met at a social mixer.
Then again I do love a good romance movie. Put on Bridget Jones’ Diary or Notting Hill and I’m sat. (It’s true I do have a thing for early 2000s Hugh Grant.)
Or perhaps, I'm cynical because my parents separated at the ripe age of 15 when you’re supposed to be experiencing first boyfriends and going to parties and kissing boys. When instead, I was crying about the fact that the two people who I thought loved each other no longer did (Overshare? Overshare.)
But my main point is, perhaps we should look up from the screens. Instead of playing the game that is a dating app, join something new. Go out. Talk to interesting people, because honestly, you’ll never know what you can find. Ask that person out. It could be fun!
It’s a real human connection, that initial attraction you find in someone that cannot be replaced by the apps. In person they can’t leave you on read, in person they can see your real personality, how you act and place yourself.
You aren’t going to find a genuine connection on an app where you have to pay for more swipes or upgrade to premium to see who likes you.
And guess what? With going out and finding real connections, you don’t need to pay to see who likes you! What a shock!
So, if you’re reading this and somewhat agree with what I say.
Hey! I’m single. Let’s go out sometime.
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